From: ibshambat@gmail.com

I used to drink heavily, and that made my mother upset. I quit drinking, and she was very happy. It was a joy for me to see her being happy, and it motivated me to continue having quit. For myself, I don’t care about such things one way or another. But
if it makes her happy, that makes it worth it.

In contemporary psychology it is told that one should be motivated internally rather than externally. One quotation I heard from a very smart woman named Michele was, “If I can’t live for myself then I cannot live.” This is completely wrong. There
are many reasons for which to live. Here was someone who was naturally altruistic, who because of bad guidance was denied the good directions that were appropriate to her. She ended up accomplishing very little then dying at age 25.

Sometimes people say such things as “before one can say I love you one first needs to say the ‘I’.” There are any number of ideologies that are egocentric or think that any number of directions are pathological, scam or power trip. In fact,
growth is served by love. You love people for traits that you find lovable. Then, seeing these traits expressed by another person, you know what you need to work for within yourself to become lovable in your own eyes. In 1995 I had a short but very
passionate and very beautiful relationship with a woman I loved. I have watched her and learned how to do what she did, with the result that I now get compliments that I first saw used on her. At that time I had very few of her virtues; now I have more,
and I am better for that.

So that, while I don’t care if I’m alcohol-free for myself, I will – and have been – almost completely alcohol-free for my mother. My daughter has been a motivator as well. If these women had not been present in my life, I most likely would have
continued drinking heavily. Instead I have had a reason to apply myself and to get a grip.

Here is the main point. It should be brought to bear that different people are differently motivated. Some people are not motivated by self-interest at all. Michele is motivated one way; Mike Dyson another. And to not only encourage, but in fact demand,
self-interest, when there are many possible interests out there, is an outrageous thing to do.

I could not tell you what Michele would have done with her life if she had been better motivated. But if a naturally altruistic person believes that she can only live if she lives for herself, then that is a social problem. She had intellect, compassion,
and wisdom. Yet she ended up dying at a very early age.

The psychological attitudes on this matter played out in the life of my former wife. The first long-term boyfriend she had, she chose because people were telling her to go for a friend. It was a disaster. The next long-term boyfriend, she chose because
people were telling her to go with a nice man. Another disaster. The third time around, she did what nobody recommended her to do and go with a man she met online on another continent; and it was better experience for her than the previous two men.

Different problems have different solutions. Self-interest works in some cases, in other cases it is completely the wrong thing to do. Look at how someone is motivated and explain things from that premise. That will diminish the risk of miscommunication
and allow intelligent contact between people. And that results in good things being done whatever the motivations.

Ilya Shambat

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